


Don't leave me. I need you.

by Cigarette_and_Gin



Category: Gintama
Genre: AU -kind of, Angst, Despair, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Heartbreak, Kissing, Loneliness, M/M, Mental Breakdown, War, implied sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-10
Updated: 2016-05-10
Packaged: 2018-06-07 12:05:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6803329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cigarette_and_Gin/pseuds/Cigarette_and_Gin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>„Gintoki… I have to go.“ <br/>His voice is quiet again only a whisper caressing my ears.  <br/>I bury my head in his shoulder.<br/>I don’t want to hear it. <br/>Abruptly he begins to quiver and his nails dig in my clothes painfully hard. <br/>„Please.“ His voice barely differs from a sob and I realize that it is too late now. <br/>Always to late. </p><p>Hijikata is moving. Gintoki is breaking. Will they meet again in the war?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't leave me. I need you.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, here I have another sad one.. I wrote it two weeks ago but it felt not quite right… but I can’t tell what I want to change so I posted it now anyway..  
> Feel free to comment..  
> And this idea has nothing to do with the farewell shinsengumi arc, I just thought about real life lonesome and thats it. (even though it kinda isn’t playing in real life… I don’t know actually -.-)

„I am moving.“ He said. „Going to the university in Tokyo.“ 

Cold fingers grip me tight, numbing me all the way down to my feet. 

„Sure.“ I say. 

I want to puke. The feeling in my stomach becomes more and more unsettling, almost unbearable. My fingers twitch and I just… just…

„You alright with that?“ 

He asked quietly, almost as if he is scared. As if he dreaded my answer. 

No, I wanna say. 

No, it’s not okay. 

You are leaving me. Leaving me alone in this godforsaken town, inescapable rotting away. 

Don’t leave me, I want to say. 

Don’t forget me, I want to scream. 

Please, just … just… just stay by my side. 

„Sure.“

I repeat. My voice is cold and hard, no glimpse of my emotion oozing through. 

„Why wouldn’t I be?“ 

 

I look in his icy blue eyes and see him struggling, as if… as if he is waiting for me to say it. 

That I need him. 

I broke the eye contact and instead settled my focus on his lips. 

„Don’t know.“ They form. 

„Just asking, you know?“ His lips twitch as if he is holding something back. What is he holding back, I wonder. 

„No.“ I tell the lips. „I have no right to tell you what to do.“ 

And then: „Feel free to escape with your genius scholarship on your own.“ 

 

The lips stiffened and I know I hurt him. 

But I don’t care. 

In fact I want to hurt him. Oh, I want to hurt him as much as I am hurting right now. 

My fingers quiver and my body turns painfully hot suddenly, like when you stick your frozen hand under steaming water. 

I can’t think. I just want to run. 

To never see him again. To never look into his blue, blue eyes again. To never see his black hair dancing in the wind again. To never hear his rare husky laughter again. To never watch his cheeks rose in this delight red again. 

To never… to never feel him. Again. 

I never will again. 

He will be far away. Out of my reach. Forever. 

 

 

My stomach turns upside down and my vision blurs. I take a step back. Suddenly there is a hand on my shoulder and a all to familiar voice resonates in my ears. 

„Gintoki? Is everything all right? You look… a little pale?“

I inhale deeply and gather myself. 

„Yeah. I think I ate something bad yesterday.“ I lifted my head to face him. 

His brows are crunched in worry and his lips were curling downwards. His mouth opens slowly and he seems to gather all of his courage for something. 

„You know…“ he paused slightly but then proceeds „ I have always -“ 

„Anyway I gotta go now. We will see each other, before you leave?“ I interrupt brashly. 

 

I can’t stand to listen another second to his sorry excuses. If he wanted to go, than he should damn well just do it and not asking _me_ for my approval!

His eyes widen shortly and I see his pain, than he nods, sadness seeping out of every cell from him. 

„Yeah. I leave next friday.“ He mumbles broken. 

I nod, and I know I should comfort him. I know I should say it is okay. I know I should embrace him or pat him or do _anything_ but I simply can’t. 

It is too much. 

Far too much. 

I give him a wink and then hurry away, nearly running.

Far away, I think. To a world without him. 

Without Hijikata. 

I feel myself shivering and embrace myself tightly in the sorry attempt of calming myself. 

I’m cold. Why am I so cold? 

I nearly couldn’t take it. 

When I arrive at my almost collapsing house, I plunge into the bed, burying myself into the comforter. 

Still, the warmth didn’t come.

 

 

 

When he leaves I barely show myself. 

I don’t want to fake a happy face just for the people and his good conscious. He should fucking see that I am not going to forgive this!  

He should hurt! Really feel it!

But when he only spars me one short glance I felt myself lost. 

He is my best friend. 

The only one I truly trust. Who truly understands me. And he is going. 

And he nows it fully well. 

I try to hold onto my anger, but every minute seems to flow away and the time for farewell roses nearer and nearer. I watch him, laughing and embracing his colleagues from the Kendo club ‚Shinsengumi‘, how he bristly avoids a water bomb from the brat Sougo and gets a health packet from the sister Mitsuba. 

 

He looks strong. Proud. Ready to venture into the world. 

_Without me._

I feel so bitter. 

 

Then it’s my turn and his laughing face petrified. He looked at me, with his eyes that seem to pierce my soul and there is this hesitance again. 

I want to scream at him. Or say nothing. 

Let him suffer. But I know it is selfish. 

I had my chance and I didn’t grasped it. 

„Good luck.“ 

I managed to say and he perks up, surprised from my words. Am I truly this hostile?

 „Yes…“ he voiced, sounding awfully insecure. 

Then he somehow strengthened himself and glared at me confidentially. 

 

„I will give my best and achieve my goal, so you better do the same or I swear I will come back and beat you up!“ I blink astonished and than a tiny smile spreads reluctantly on my face. 

„Than I better not screw up. Don’t want to interrupt your important studies.“ I sneered.

He huffs offended and said: „Studying _is_ important, you moron!“ like always.

I grin brightly and nodded in fake agreement. „Of course it is…“ 

He gives me another glare but before he manages a return, the loudspeaker announce his train departure. 

Suddenly the good mood is gone and all that’s left is the same coldness and bitterness.  

I searched his gaze and locked my eyes with him, just staring in his one unable to mouth something. 

„Goodbye.“ 

His voice is dry and swelling over of suppressed emotions. I only nod. 

I don’t want to show him how much I feel. 

How much I truly hurt. 

 

He turns to leave but then paused. He gave me a quick glance I couldn’t quite decipher and suddenly there was a warm body embracing me.

My heart beats loud and I am so stunned I need two seconds before I could respond. Showing openly affection is the complete opposite of Hijikata. He doesn’t even want to share a drink in public. 

Still, I find myself engulfing in his smell, rubbing my nose in his silky hair and regretting so much that I fear my heart is going to break. 

 

_I don’t want to loose you._

 

Then he backs away. I grip him tighter and don’t budge and I feel him softening on the spot. „Gintoki…“ 

I don’t want to hear it.

„Gintoki… I have to go.“ 

His voice is quiet again only a whisper caressing my ears.  

I bury my head in his shoulder.

I don’t want to hear it. 

Abruptly he begins to quiver and his nails dig in my clothes painfully hard. 

„Please.“ His voice barely differs from a sob and I realize that it is too late now. 

Always to late. 

I open my arms, let him go. 

He gives me one last meaningful look, full of emotions I can’t understand and than he turns, waves at his friends and vanishes into the grey train. 

I found myself left standing completely still, unable to progress what just happened. 

 

What was the meaning of this? Why did he hug me? He of all people? Why did I return it? 

Wasn’t I going to show him my cold side? And what was that expression? What was that? 

Did I miss something? 

Come to think of it, what did he wanted to say that day? When I interrupted him? 

Why am I feeling this huge regret? 

Why is my heart hurting so much? 

As if it is ripped out of my chest, wanting to flee from my body and go with Hijikata? 

Why? 

 

Just why… _why am I crying?_  

 

The train went off and I get a cloud full of smoke in the face. 

After I calmed my breathing, the train was only a small point in the landscape, for the unimportant me far out of reach. I gaze at the horizon till nothing than the sun was left mentioning and when I face the hall I realize that I’m the only one left. 

All alone. 

 

Dread creeps up in my body and I mechanically walked to my rotting house. 

I will never see him again. I know it. 

He has no reason to ever come back to this vegetating town in the middle of nowhere, again. 

The impact of this knowledge crushed me full force and I break down in front of my kitchen, unable to take another step. 

I grab my head and pull at my hair till the pain eases me enough that I can manage to breath hectically again. 

Fuck. 

I am crying again. What am I? A freaking girl? 

But I just can’t calm myself, my body seems to act on his own, shivering and gasping. The hot stream of water constantly overflowing and wetting my clothes. All the accumulated sadness and lonesome I have successfully locked away the last week, broke now down onto me. 

I curl myself up on the ground, my arms tightly clutching my hurting chest. 

I don’t know how long I lay there, unmoving, letting my feelings all out. Time froze and I feel myself caged in this despair. 

 

Then, suddenly it got better. 

My limps were numb and I don’t think I will ever have enough liquid in me to cry again, but the hurting feeling is gone. I carefully scramble to my legs, always cautious for the pain, but there is nothing.

Only emptiness.

Maybe it all got washed away with the tears, I think,  leaving an empty shell with no emotions behind.

I don’t know if this thought is frightening or appealing. 

 

I manage to arrive at my bed and sink in the soft land of pillows. 

When I close my eyes the picture of Hijikata comes to me at once. How he looked at me before he left. And then the words he didn’t finish. 

„You know… I have always -“ 

What? What do you always? Just what?

I forcefully suppress the thought. It’s over. I will never know the answer. 

I must let him go.

I don’t want to, I want to torture me more with his images, his handsome face, his piercing eyes, his annoying words. 

But I must let him go. 

I inhale deeply and than, slowly and reluctant I open my claws that tied him in my head. 

I watch how he falls into the dark abyss and as he becomes more and more transparent I feel my despair, distress and angst fade away. 

It’s truly over.

I feel weightless of the lack of emotions. Not that I cared.

 

 

* * *

 

When the people from the government come to our town I didn’t hesitate one second. 

My life is a wreck, I don’t have any career chances up front, and even if, I simply don’t care for anything anymore.

Even lesser for something as meaningless as my life. 

So for me, the military academy was perfect. If I were lucky I could go to war in less than six months and protect my fatherland. Or, to be concrete, could die for my fatherland.

The lack of response at this thought should have spiked me, but truth is, I was too indifferent to do so. 

Maybe I will safe the life of another young man who want to live more than I do, I think.

 

 

* * *

 

Life in the Academy is harsh. Funny thing is, I apparently am pretty good at this stuff. Like shooting at Dummies, bare fist fighting, concealing in the nature, sniping, basically everything to be honest. 

At first I wonder, but than I realize that all those things require a strong will or no emotional ties to the opponent. In being unemotional I am the uncrowned king. 

 

 

* * *

 

Life is like time lapse, I sleep, I eat, I train, I communicate and all over again. At some point when we where sent to the battle field I stop and am surprised that eight months have passed.

It certainly didn’t feel like it.

 

 

* * *

 

Battlefield is nothing like I imagined. It’s horrible. Would I feel something I would collapse and cry out my misery.

Being how I am, I simply proceed with doing what I am told to, trying to ignore everything else. 

When I watch my comrades, having a break-down or silently shedding tears in the night I am glad for my inability.

 

* * *

 

At another point I wake up from my sleepwalking, when my comrades tell me that the war has gotten worse. They say the government has decided to insert every healthy man. 

Is Hijikata going to?

I hope not. I hope he has a enough powerful job to avoid the war. They tell me he must study before he gets a job, and when I ask, they say it has been only four years.

It had felt like forty. 

Still, I beg he mustn’t go. 

 

* * *

 

My comrades were right, it got worser. 

There were little till no breaks between the attacks, sleep was something you got to worship like your maker, and death was something you didn’t even notice.

I wouldn’t even notice If I am already dead, I thought at one point in a siege, waiting for the sign to snipe the enemies. 

 

* * *

 

The people around me have changed their attitude. 

I don’t know when it happened, but it attracted my attention when I went to the food bank and some guy cut in the line before me.

Before I could say something another man grabbed him and said:

„Are you crazy? That’s the Demon Shiroyasha!“

The guy paled and only when he looked at me with a frightened stare, I realize that they meant me. 

The guy apologized brashly and then dashed away like a scalded cat.

When I gazed after him, slightly confused the man who scared him away shifted nervously. 

„Don’t mind him, he is new and don’t know you… We will make sure this never happened again, okay?“

I turn, to continue to stare at him blankly.

What does he mean? Is he scared of me? Why? Does he think I will get angry of somebody who is queue-jumping?

„Why?“ I pronounce, slightly startled of my horse throat. 

When was the last time I talked again?

Ah, yes the briefing before the attack. How long ago was that?

 

The guy blanched visible as well and while he stutters something inaudible, suddenly some of my comrades surrounded me.

„Yo, whats the problem?“ one of them - Think his name is Zura-something- asked. 

After the pale guys voicing problem they looked at me.

I shrugged my shoulder.

 „No problem. Just asking.“

They nod as if they understand something I didn’t know off, and the Zura guy approaches me. 

„What do you wanna know?“ He asked me cheerful.

He is always the cooperative one, I remember. I stare at him and wonder, why must I ask him, why can’t I ask the guy? 

Am I a sort of disabled person for them? 

I stare at him some time longer and recognizes that some people of the gathered audience -when did they form?- began to murmur -kind of fearful. 

„What’s with Shiroyasha.“ I finally ask.

He tries to hide it but I catch the small glimpse of panic behind his calm face.

„Shiroyasha? I don’t know what you mea-“ „He said it.“ I point to the pile of shivering meat that ceased to be the pale guy. 

 

Zura-something turns to the guy and gives him a glare that ought to set him on fire. The pile of meat shrunk some more centimeters -if even possible- and Zura-something gives me his full attention, again.

„Sorry about that. You know how soldiers can be this days… they all like to exaggerate and gossip about stuff to distract themselves. That’s just a nickname they gave you, you know? Nothing to worry about, we got some hilarious one, too.“

„Really. Tell me.“

He paused, slightly concerned about my unusual interest. I myself am also surprised about my engagement, I couldn’t exactly lay the finger on what it was, that bothered me.

„They call me the Runaway Kotarou, Tsugi the leader of the Kiheitai and Tatsuma the Dragon of Katsurahama“ I nod slowly. 

What bothered me this much? They becomes nervous, I could feel it. Are they really this frightened about my attention, I wondered shortly. 

 

But of course they are. 

I murder thousands of people every day and didn’t show any sign of discomfort, regret, pain, pride or _any_ kind of human feeling at all. 

I would also be frightened of myself.

 

Then I lastly remembered what bothered me.

„I know. It’s odd, because he said Demon Shiroyasha, but Shiroyasha literally means white Demon, so he said it twice.“ Pleased with myself I cross the baffled Zura-something, ignore the pile of meat and the audience which quickly makes an opening for my trespassing, and collect my share of food. 

I immediately forgot about the gathered people, went to my usual place next to the lazaret and ate my dinner. 

Since this day the people around me speak weirdly precise. 

 

* * *

 

It’s my sixth year in the war -I only know because Zura-something and Weird-laugh somehow believe its important to know that, and inform me every month- when I saw him.

I didn’t recognize him at first, he comes from another squad, which apparently got annihilated last attack and thus the survivors got separated in different ones. There aren’t many survivors left. Maybe twenty. From a squad of five hundred.

The camp gets quieter at the scene of the walking corpses, I am sure everybody is thinking the same.

That could be _us_. That could be _me_. 

If they were lucky. 

He was walking slowly, his head dropped, clothes spilled with blood. His hair is shorter. 

I can’t believe it.

 

He passed me, head still facing the ground and for a second I hesitate.

What’s going to change? Wouldn’t it be better to just leave it like this? 

You got over him, and now you wanna start again?

Who are you kidding. You are a freaking monster. There is nothing left.

 _Nothing_.

Still, if I don’t help him, maybe nobody will. And I don’t want him to die.

 

 

I grab his hand and he halts, apathetically lifting his head. 

He looks at me indifferent and then it hist him. I can see how his eyes widen in surprise. 

Seems like he didn’t recognize me first, as well.

„Gin..Gintoki?“ He whispered unbelievingly, voice hoarse and scratchy.

I nod. 

Then, as my ultimate effort: „Yo. Long time no see, Hijikata.“

 

His eyes got even wider and his fingers starts to tremble infecting his whole body until he was barely suppressing a break down. 

I stare helplessly at him for a minute, until I remember that he would feel better if he wouldn’t be out in the open. Thus I grab his arm and drag him away from the crowd that -like alway- separates for me, ignoring the curios and slightly baffled gazes from my comrades. 

I stop when we arrive at my tent -Zura guy had offered to share it with the other two long ago, I didn’t second guess it.- and open the curtain for him. He moves and as soon as we are in private he clings to me, shaking like a leave.

 

After a second I carefully lift my arms to embrace him. He whimpers and soon I feel something wet damping my clothes.

So he could still cry. That’s a good sign. 

I held him because I couldn’t think of anything else to do, but I interpreted his more intense outbreak as something positive.  

If you let your feelings all out they can’t control you later on. 

After a while - I have carried him to my tiny lump of bed- he stilled himself and evened his breathing. His face was buried in my crook of neck and his cold nose tickled me.

„Better?“ I ask in the attempt of a caring voice.

He flinches but nods into my neck. 

"Want something?“

„No.“ 

His voice was still shaky and it was so familiar, even after all this years, I almost couldn’t take it. 

I wanted to leave him. Leave him before more of old memories and… feelings surface. 

I am fine with the things how they are, in fact I am rather content with feeling nothing. 

It would be truly lethal when I suddenly be- 

 

„You are enough.“ He adds quietly, barely understandable. 

I froze. 

No way. After all this years, he comes with this _now_? 

He lifts his head and locked eyes with mine. His gaze determined, overshadowing the sorrow. 

 

„You were always enough.“ 

 

I open my mouth but nothing came out.

 

„I didn’t wanted to leave you that day. I wanted you to hinder me, showing me your feelings. 

I wanted to be sure before I confess. But I underestimated you and your stubbornness. And I was to much of a coward.“ 

 

I still couldn’t speak. 

Than a knot in my throat loosened and I could voice my anger. 

 

„Why are you telling me this? Now? It’s to late! It’s over! That was seven years ago! What do you want from me now?“ 

He swallows loudly but didn’t loose focus.

„I nearly died today. In fact I died almost the last three years. That got me thinking about my life and things I regret. I regret this day so much, it’s laughable.“  

 

Don’t say this.

 

„It is the point in my life where everything changed. Mostly not bad things before the war, I admit, but I could never forgot you and I always caught me wondering what could have been. What you were doing. If you still hated me.“

 

I could never hate you. That’s the problem.

 

„And now, after this day where my closest friend Isaburo died, together with my whole squad and all I could think of was why I didn’t die too, why I couldn’t die too, instead have to live in this rotten world, suffering… there I meet you. Alive and kicking. Unchanged. Still with your stupid voice and that stupid expression on your face.“

He paused to grab my arms. 

„Can you really judge me, when I want to start over? When I want to hold on to the good thing, to the only thing in life I failed, when it crashes into me on the worst day possible? Can you really reject me?“ 

 

His voice trembles more at the end. 

I don’t want to. I don’t want to feel. I don’t want to live. To have a reason to live. 

To have hope. 

It makes you weak. Vulnerable. 

 

„I don’t want to.“ 

 

I see his hope shattering and fight off the bad conscious. I don’t have a conscious. 

I don’t need one.

 

Than his lips stiffen and he inhales sharply. What is he up to? Is he go-

Soft -god so soft- gentle lips lay themselves onto mine and I petrify. 

I want to pull away but his grip on my arms restrains me. He plunged more into me and I couldn't hold back the gasp.

He seems to take it as an invitation and soon there is a wet tongue licking on my upper lip. 

I want to withstand, I truly tried. 

But when his tongue dipped into me and explored my mouth it was just way to much to take. 

 

I moan in capitulation and haul myself into him, nails scratching his fabric, desperately pulling him closer. His warm body entangled with mine, arms wrapping around my head, tugging gently at my hair. Legs squeezing me desperately, which I am all to happy to return. 

My fingers dig into his waist and he chokes a stifled groan out, as I am starting to roam under his clothes. 

This alluring sound stimulated me worse, and I throw him onto his back my mouth following his jawline to his neck, covering him with light kisses.

His body arches, desperately searching for more contact and I answer him equally, pressing myself down. 

 

I just… want him. 

I just need to clarify if this is real. Not some cruel dream.

 

I caress his leg, following his thigh till I cup his ass, squeezing, asking. He pulls at my shirt until I paused and he undressed me. 

His hot fingers are burning me wherever he touches. 

I am not as patient and simply push his shirt up and quickly began to suck at his nipples.

His fingers scarred me as I bit him. I grin shortly and did it again, while I grabbed his member through the trousers simultaneous. 

My reward is a surprised gasp and a frantically thrust in my hand.

I kiss his stomach and wait one second, let him time to refuse.

But he never did. 

Instead he stretched towards my trousers to remove the zip. That’s answer enough. 

 

I didn’t care to prepare him. He didn’t care to be bothered. There was just one goal.

 

I ram brutal into him and he screams, nonetheless moving to my rhythm.

 

There is no love, gentleness or care in our act.

It’s only this urban urge that substantiated us. 

 

The desperate urge to show that he is mine. That I am his. _That we are together._

 

**Author's Note:**

> So, yes I know this is not my best work (because there is so much plot left hanging) and it’s kind of unfinished, but I like it anyway…  
> also don’t know, maybe I will write a second one, depends on your opinion and my creativeness…  
> (don’t know if this word exists! O.O)  
> Also: this is my first fic with I narrator.. and with Gintoki's perspective.. any preferences?


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